Somehow
by shattered rainbow
Summary: I’ve never known who my father is. Mother never told me. But it all got hushed up. She got married and everyone pretended that he was my father. We all pretend but everyone knows that I’m only half of what they are. That only half my blood is like theirs


My mother never really seemed to care about anything. Whether it was politics or fashion, she was always somewhere else, someplace different than the rest of us. Once, she came into court with her hair all un-brushed and tangled and acted like she didn't even notice. But no dared to say anything. I suppose being the King's sister will have that effect on some people.

People would always call her wild and improper, but whether or not she was never seemed to affect the truth of the matter. Mother was never anything but herself. I guess that's where I learned not care either. Court gossip, fads, and legislation never attracted my attention, but at the same time, I knew they each had their own importance, in some way. I knew a lady could by socially disowned for wearing the wrong color in May, just as much as I knew the importance of higher taxes. I also understood the scandal of illegitimate children, but that too, was something my mother did not understand.

I've never known who my father is. Was? I don't even know if he's still alive. Mother never told me, or anyone. But it all got hushed up. The story goes that as soon as she knew she was pregnant, Grandfather scrambled to find her a husband, and fast. So she got married, and everyone pretended that he was my father. But it was pretty obvious that he wasn't. I mean, a baby can only look so different from both of her parents.

Nevertheless, I've always liked Gerald. It's funny, because I always call him father, but I always think of him as Gerald. He's a good man, and he's always tried to be a good father to me, but there's always that Secret in between us, preventing any true bonding. Neither of us has ever said anything, but we both know. Everyone knows. There's always that stiff interaction with the rest of the nobles and the sideways glances. We all pretend, but everyone knows that I'm only half of what they are. That only half my blood is like theirs. That it's only a half chance that I am where I am.

But I've learned to ignore it, over the years. I'll never say it doesn't hurt, not knowing, or sting a little whenever someone looks at me in _that _way. It's just that I know I can get along with it. And Mother not caring what anyone thinks helps me to not care too, I guess. She's almost like a rock, or a hero, but sometimes… well, sometimes.

Some people have called her a free spirit, but I don't tend to think so. Sometimes I would wonder if she was stupid, but I know that's not true either. I think that all in all, she's just a woman, not royalty. She's the sort who would have done better as a working girl than a princess. Not that I mean working girls always go and get pregnant…I mean, it's just… my mother was never suited for being what she was.

And yet she was accepted, in that odd, un-accepting way. And so was I. My Uncle Leonard, or King Leonard IV, to most people, made sure of that.

"Do you know how lucky you are?" he had demanded. "If it weren't for me…"

"Oh, stop talking about how you 'saved' me or whatever it is you claim-"

"I did not save you! I saved Christina!" Then there was silence for a moment. That awkward space that always follows when I'm mentioned. That unspoken Secret.

"Look, Leo-"

"If it weren't for me she would never have been able to live! You know that, right?"

"That's not true, Leo!"

"Oh, it's not? We both know how angry Father was! He wanted her gone! You remember what he said? 'No daughter of mine will ever have some scoundrel's-"

"Stop!"

"-child as long as I AM KING!" the words ended in a shout. "That's what he said! And if it weren't for me she'd be all alone in that world right now, or maybe you would be, and you'd be left along to raise her out on the streets!"

"You shut you mouth, Leonard. What I have done is no business of yours!"

"Of course it's my business, Catherine; it's the entire court's business! You are a royal princess, whether you act like one or not. Now, you've been a different kind of lady, and I've always supported you. I even supported you when… with Christi. You owe me. I'm your king, and more importantly your brother. And I need you to support me now, Catherine." A pause. "Please be there. I know you've never cared for appearances, but please. It's the coronation. Just show up, smile and leave. That's all I'm asking you."

I had been around the corner, on the way back from tutoring. Looking back, I wasn't totally surprised by Uncle's comments. Grandfather had never really loved me. It was that Secret again, but with Grandfather it had been more than just the Secret. It had been the Knowing. Knowing what the Secret really meant, and Knowing that he despised secrets.

But Grandfather had died when I was eleven, and then Uncle Leonard became King. Mother had gone to the coronation. I remember exactly. She had her hair all tied back with pearls in it, and a blue gown and makeup all over her face.

"Mother," I had said, "you look beautiful. Just like all those other ladies." Mother had sort of snorted and rolled her eyes at me.

"Do you like it then, Christi? Do you think I should always look like this?"

"No." I hadn't even needed to stop to think. "You look like a doll now, not like a Mother. You're too nice to be a doll." Mother had laughed, and then she told me she was only doing it for Uncle Leonard.

"He really needs me today. And he needs me to pretend that I'm just like all the others. But we both know it's only pretending."

And there was that word again. Pretending. I never told Mother that I'd already heard her and Uncle Leonard fighting. It wouldn't have changed anything anyhow.

So I pretended that I hadn't heard, and Mother pretended she was someone else, if only for one day, and everyone pretended that they didn't know the Secret. We pretended that Gerald was my Father, and we pretended that I wasn't only half-way. They all looked the other way and pretended that my Mother was a perfect lady, but they all Knew.

And most of all, I would pretend that it wasn't there. Some days, I'd go out into the meadow and pretend that there weren't any Secrets, or Knowing. I'd pretend there were no half-ways and maybes and I'd pretend that there wasn't even pretending. And then I'd open my eyes and see the clear blue sky and the flowers and the sunlight and remember that none of it really mattered in the first place. That somehow, it didn't affect me or my life and that someday I'd be able to truly not care about it at all, and that maybe the Knowing would be a different sort, and that _I'd_ know something. And then I'd take a deep breath, and go home, and it would start all over again, only this time, I'd remember the most beautiful word in the world: Somehow.


End file.
